solitary confinement

2010-07-16T15:40:00.000-07:00

hindi ko na alam kung paano pa makatakas sa sakit na nararamdaman ng puso ko, naiipit ako ngayon sa isang sitwasyon na hindi ko maaring iwasan ng ganun ganun na lang. kailangan ko ng stable na trabaho limang taon pa ko magbubuno para matupad ko ang simpleng pangarap ng mga magulang ko. nakalagpas na ko sa isang gusot at hindi pa nga natatapos mayroon na kaagad kapalit. mas matindi pa ang sakit...

minsan tinatanong ko ang sarili ko kung totoo ba ang mga pinapakita at pinararamdam nya sa akin, alam ko naman na napa-complicated ng situation namin pero sana man lang kahit isang beses marinig ko na sincere siya sa mga sinasabi niya. ang kaso parang hindi naman, siguro isa lang akong pampalipas oras, pang-fill in katulad ngayon na libre siya naalala nya ko. hanggang doon lang ba ko??

ang sakit sakit...sana di na lang kami naging malapit sa isa't isa, gaya nga ng sabi niya "this is stupid". so siguro nga stupid nga yong nangyari na iyon, at stupid rin ako kasi naniniwala pa ko sa iyo...

sana isang araw mapatunayan ko sa iyo mismo na mahal mo ko gaya ng sinasabi mo...

hirap na hirap na ko magtiwala ulit, lalo na ngayong nasasaktan ako sa mga pinapakita mo, siguro mas mabuti pang kalimutan ko ng lahat ng nangyari para na rin di na ko nasasaktan.

2010-07-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

madre de puta!

nakakabanas talaga, sabihan k ba naman kahapon na mag-ingat ka sa taong yan alam ko motibo nya kasi lalake rin ako. ah kaya pala, walk the talk! aayaw-ayaw pa nung una gusto rin palang makipag-flirt ke taratitat kung anu-anu pang sinasabi...hoy bilog na ulo ko bibilugin mo pa!

oh well, I am smart...dumb ass.

I have to stop and keep going...

2010-04-23T14:06:00.001-07:00

it's been three weeks now...and the pain still lingers.

i really dont know what to do anymore, at this moment in time all i ever wanted to do is to runaway, far far away from you.

i wish there is a pill, stronger than sleeping pill, that can erase all my memories of you...

you don't know how much it hurts, so please stop asking how i feel

2010-04-03T11:41:00.000-07:00

I thought I learned my lessons well when it comes to love, but hey here I am again...for the nth time dragging myself into oblivion. How many times do I have to feel this to tell myself ...its enough! Why do I have to keep on repeating the same thing over and over again? What is wrong with my feelings, seems like I never get tired of giving in. Now look at me, my eyes are puffy, I cried because I let myself delve into this situation.

I just hope that the next time I will be ready to accept the things that I can not and will not have in the first place...

reel life

2006-06-20T01:50:00.000-07:00

...my abscense from the scene has created a domino effect.

just give it a thought...

2006-06-18T03:27:00.000-07:00

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday.
Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.
And, there on television, she said it was "exciting." Regarding body
changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts.
They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.
The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest
woman, with so much wisdom in her words!
Maya Angelou said this:

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life
does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."

"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled
Christmas tree lights."

"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents,
you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."

"I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a
life'.

"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."

"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on
both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."

"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I
usually make the right decision."

"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."

"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."

"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget
what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

My kaleidoscope

2005-12-10T01:50:00.000-08:00

Oftentimes I think I should have been like this if I did the right thing, but how would you know if it is the right thing? When in the first place you don’t know what will happen and all you have in hand are the choices and make the best decision with less consequence. That’s why I have to test the water if it is too cold or hot for me before I plunge in; there is no harm in trying as long as you know your limitations and you can handle the situation without messing up with other people.

First of, I grew up with no emotional ties with my folks, all they could think about was how to feed us, send us to school, etc., yet I don’t have any regrets. With what had happened I learned how to stand up on my own at an early age, depending on myself made me realized a lot of things. Up to now, it is very unusual for me to ask for some favors from other people, as long as I could do it I will not ask for help.

Now I am in the unfamiliar situation, I know I asked for this one but it is quite difficult for me to adjust…I am not used to be taken cared of. I went through a lot of hard times and I have managed to settle all these on my own. Yes, I have few friends who had helped me to pick up the pieces and to start all over again but I cannot depend on them for the rest of my days, they have a life of their own.

On the rebound with my family, I landed on the soil of many countries to fulfill my moral obligations. I thought that it would be very easy for me to leave them, most specially my habits and routines. For a stubborn ass like me, it is like passing through the hole of the needle. My so-called-life in non-linear, as much as possible I want it to be spontaneous, I won’t go by the rules if the rules says it will jeopardize my individuality and freedom to explore other things. Life is too short. I cannot see myself to miss the best things in life and most of them are free.

For me boundaries are extension of another dimension that needs to be seen and discover. Not just to see the sights and travel around in a certain place and time but to search for what’s in store for me in a strange land. To gather sticks of pain in the times of drought, to lay down in sublime happiness under the tree of ecstasy, to drench my consciousness with raindrops of sorrow and to shout furiously while running in the field of chaos.

With all these colors of my hallucinations, I am dying to know the depth of these patterns.

cuff links

2005-08-26T01:41:00.000-07:00

whenever i put this long sleeves blouse i always remember how you fold the sleeves and compliment how beautiful it is and how it suits me. the same way i have pictured you in my mind when you are sleeping and i could not waste any single moment watching you. its not raining here not like there, but it reminds me of you particularly when we had these stolen moments. you may not know it but i loved you very well despite of all the odds. with you i experienced to go beyond my limits, i discovered more of myself--being me without inhibitions, being carefree and bold. remember when i sneak out of our house in the wee hours of the morning just to be with you? you have let me see your private world without me asking and i said that that's the boldest thing to do for a stranger like me. and now i realized the things i missed about you...thanks for the awakening.

as stated...

2005-07-24T05:33:00.000-07:00

About the Poem
I have learned that sometimes you fall in love with people, who don't feel the same way about you. I have been in such a situation.

This poem was written for someone who I gave my trust, love and friendship to, only to have my heart broken, and my trust displaced. If you are ever in a similar situation, you know how it feels to be used.

I Was Reminded
by Alicia S

As we lay there quiet
I was reminded of all the reasons why I lust you
Your smile,
and the way it teased at me seductively
Your laugh,
and the way it tempted me
Your eyes,
and the way they seem to hypnotize me

As we sat there silent
I was reminded of all the reasons why I love you
Your smile,
and the way it brings such life into me
Your laugh,
and the way it makes everything okay
Your eyes,
and the way them seems to read my thoughts

As we stand here now
I am reminded of all the reasons why I hate you
Your smile,
and the way it confuses me
Your laugh,
and the way it seems to mock me
Your eyes,
and the way they can look into mine and not feel a thing

cloudy skies

2005-07-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

for the past several days i have been thinking about going back home, then again maybe i am experiencing "homesickness". this is what i hate most, a sickness that has no cure, in a matter of minutes you will feel like you are alone in the crowd searching for someone or somebody that you know for a long time and you are dying to talk to or touch that person. a feeling of longingness. whenever i met someone here they only say one thing, "your eyes are full of sadness". . .

because, i miss myself more than anything in this world.

i wonder...

2005-07-03T02:05:00.000-07:00

this is what my as(s)trology tells me...

You're due to meet someone new, unique and quite rebellious now -- in other words, a kindred spirit. And just as you'd imagine, you won't be running into this person under anything but the most unusual circumstances. Of course, that will make your meeting even more interesting for both of you. Go ahead and cut to the chase as soon as you start talking. The universe obviously wanted you two to meet. Figure out why and get busy on the project.

on the otherhand, i remember that there was this lady who read my future through her cards that i am going to meet with someone and will propose to me. but then again, we'll see. and i will tell you, readers, what the score will be.

according to my star

2005-06-30T12:38:00.000-07:00

Stop punishing yourself for imaginary sins and leave the past where it belongs: behind you. Learn to absorb the lessons you must from any mistakes you've made, but don't heap on the guilt for something that you did out of ignorance or naivete. If you never made any mistakes, you'd never learn. If you never learned, you'd never grow -- and that's absolutely no way to live.

break in

2005-06-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

today i started working with the hotel corporate team as a secretary (reliever). the same routine back home except for the routing, photocopying, organized filing as well as the system itself. the boss, who preferred to be called an american rather than his true nationality as a syrian, is quite old to be my father well almost like a grandfather to be exact. he told me during the interview, the shortest that ive had, that he is difficult to work with and he has a bad attitude. i just replied him with my demonic bratty smile, just to say, "we'll see". one of his staff told me that he usually temperamental, sort of a warning for me not to take it personally, i am used to that so i guess there will be no problem.

i will do my best to stay in this job till, so i could save enough money for lasik (my eyes), small business and my studies (i want to finish college). i think three years would be enough.

every year i will look back on this post and check.

Retrospect

2005-06-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

Seems like everything fall into their rightful places one at a time…I am so listless today, everyday. My moronic depressive ego’s taking over me—the funny bold bitch, and I can’t control it. Darn what’s happening to me, I’m beginning to eat myself again…I think I’m losing my mind, not used to this feeling and I hated it!!!!

F**… I am TORN!!!

Well, life goes on for a moron bitch like me.

God I hate confusions!!!???

Thanks to manic for yielding on me, I really appreciate it believe me I used it a shield to protect myself from these chaotic emotions. I’ve learned that I couldn’t go on with my life without real and true friends like you bitches, id rather be loveless than “friendless”. I am so weak when I am in love, baby knows about it…I couldn’t see the flaws even if it’s very vivid.

GOOD GRIEF! I am back to my senses again and I am FREE to decide!

Whew!

c”,)

posted by Vulnerable Bitch

Miss Hyde

2005-06-19T13:04:00.000-07:00

(pixie's doing a yodel in the tune of "oops i did it again by britney spears" while dancing waltz)

Gotta to have a more intense jam-packed skeds for the rest of the week and weeks to come…it’s time to reinvent and reborn. The good old bitch that resides in my soul’s cramming up and ready to eat those egoistic essences of the “others”. …..blah, blah, blah

So much for these comic illusions…it’s fun to be with people with different kind of personalities, I kinda like it.

I found myself laughing awhile ago…good thing; there’s no one around to see. Nyaihahahahahahahahha…..hahah…….hhahha…….ha.

Yeah that’s much better to do than to hibernate…there are so many things to bitch and get bitched?!

I AM PROUD TO BE A MORONIC PIXIE BITCH!!!

reposted

2005-06-19T12:50:00.000-07:00

This time I could probably say that I almost over YOU...there were times that I wanted to assume that YOU have something for me, but its just a wishful thinking...its so pathetic! I am not that persuasive enough to show how much I care for YOU, I don't even have the courage to say how much I love YOU...only in my mind and in my dreams, probably I did once...while sleeping.

anyway, this is for YOU.

TONIGHT I CAN WRITE
poetry of Pablo Neruda, read by Andy Garcia

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, `The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night, whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
posted by Vulnerable Bitch 5:15 PM

lets see...

2005-06-17T00:54:00.000-07:00

Connections can happen in the most unexpected places if you let them, so keep your eyes and ears (and mind) open. Someone different from your usual could come along, and they could enrich your life in ways that you didn't even think were possible. Now, don't go and try and predict who it'll be or what they'll be like. Let the universe do all the work on this one.

- By Astrology.com

2005-06-15T02:15:00.000-07:00

slept early last night with a dose of melatonin, i had to, or else i wouldn't be in the hotel for my job interview this morning at 9. actually, i had an interview with them, the other department, two weeks ago. supposedly i will start this june 20 as a reliever, but they have decided to get someone from the other department maybe they are cost-cutting (whatever!). then i received a call yesterday afternoon and they wanted to see me and the GM forwarded my paper to them, again as a reliever. so i went for a series of tests (again) but this time with powerpoint presentatation and my typing abilities using MSword and excel (darn it). good thing though that the person whose in-charge is a Filipino.

their first impression about me, VERY SERIOUS (take note of that), he noticed that i typed so fast without looking at the dummy document. well, he didn't know that i am quite nervous and my palms are sweating (geesh). done with the tests. then again, he told me to wait (again and again and again...)for their call because their boss is on travel right now.

another test, this time its personal.

i have had a final closure with Someone (from the previous blogs).

DONE!

2005-06-14T02:10:00.000-07:00

i got reconnected with a friend that i haven't seen nor heard for quite sometime now. i told her thru e-mail the things i missed about her, things that we did before. i am comfortable with her for a long time and so with my other friends. now its difficult for me to find or get way to meet new friends here specially when most of the people here are just fair weather friends. so i would rather stay inside the flat in front of the idiot box and stay up to 1:30 in the morning and get up at 9:00 am go to my aunt's office and stay online till 2:00 in the afternoon. this is my life here, no complications and stress-free. though sometimes i have to think about a lot of things--my plans. i have some in mind.

(sigh)

sing along...

2005-05-07T01:53:00.000-07:00

VOICE WITHIN
Christina Aguilera

Young girl don’t cry
I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl it’s alright
Your tears will dry, you’ll soon be free to fly

When you’re safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing’s harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

Chorus:
When there’s no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way
You’ll learn to begin to trust the voice within

Young girl don’t hide
You’ll never change if you just run away
Young girl just hold tight
Soon you’re gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It’s so hard to stand your ground when you’re so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you look outside look inside to your soul

Chorus

Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you’re learning
You’ll find all you’ll ever need to know
(be strong)
You’ll break it
(hold on)
You’ll make it
Just don’t forsake it because
No one can tell you what you can’t do
No one can stop you, you know that I’m talking to you

Chorus

Young girl don’t cry I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall

dig in

2005-05-04T01:51:00.000-07:00

i hid my bones inside a closet up in the attic of my restless brain...and i feel terrible, this is not me.

...i have no intentions but i really have to, for the meantime.

...missing

2005-04-28T01:49:00.000-07:00

...conversation over a cup of coffee or tea with some friends after work
...strolling inside the mall
...dining in some resto with close friends
...taking LRT on the way home
...drinking alcholohic bevies at home with some friends or sometimes a friend
...reading book till 2 in the morning
...writing poems in the middle of the day
...walking in the academic oval in the morning
...riding in the jeepneys
...traffic jams and smoke belching automobiles
...joking with people i used to mingle with for years
...the comfort of my woodbed
...my pillow -- sole witness of my sentiments
...big antique dresser from my grandma where i used to hide myself just for fun
...bloodsuckers under the matress (darn it!)
...cats roaming around our house
...bamboo and metal chimes

...my old self.

rubik

2005-04-22T07:53:00.000-07:00

It has been thirty days it seems though my old self is panting for old routines. No close friends to chat with, not even a single member of my immediate family to run to, no stressful work, no hanky panky, not a single moment of flirtatious kinks, no alcoholic drinks for chrissake! Ahhh (deep long sigh) this is the life I chose, the road that I decided to take...a lonewolf.

Enough of these blues…that’s what you think!

There some things that I would really want to assess at this point in my life, it’s all about feelings—what’s true and what’s not. And the biggest question of all is – how to trust again? I have had so many pains, even cheated myself all along in the process. Why can’t I tell a person what and how I feel? Admittedly, I have fears of connecting with a prospective partner; the thought of it shuts me off. Pain, was the main reason I guess. Now I don’t know how to react with someone who’s giving me so much attention. Why do I always end up with the person or at the wrong time? Or maybe, someone had already slipped away and I didn’t even notice. AND, what if someone comes along, would I accept or reject?

Weeks ago, I bumped with an “old friend” from way back (15 years ago) we had “something” before and it was almost perfect. Let me tag this person “Someone”.
Someone and I never had a closure, we just parted without talking, we used to communicate through letters there’s no other means of communication at that time, my dear, not even phones. Years had passed we haven’t heard from each other again until 1998, we saw each other again inside the mall, we didn’t talk, I was with my spouse that day so I backed off. From then on I forgot all about Someone, I went on with my life—mostly miserable.

Just like the saying goes, after the rain there’s sunshine, so it was. There’s an opportunity that I can’t resist so I grabbed it. I said to myself that this is a new chapter of my life and I will be very careful this time. It never crossed my mind (till now) that I will see Someone again, we were both surprised. We had a chance to talk about what had happened before, there were feeling of regrets—the “should-have-been” blurted out, but everything’s too late. Someone is complicated. But at least I get what I really wanted—a closure. We promised each other to stay friends and to keep in touch. That's all what matters to me.

It doesn’t end that way. Someone still feels the same thing for me just like before…I said nothing. I was shocked. I couldn’t even move a single nerve. Someone told me those words bluntly, the most beautiful words that I long to hear. I know Someone is telling the truth and I can feel it. I couldn’t speak. I just listened. We have the same question in mind—of all this time, why did we meet again? Has fate do something about this? Destiny? None of us could answer.

Puzzled? Yes, I am.

sandstorm

2005-04-21T00:35:00.000-07:00

i have nothing to write as of the moment...i couldn't even think nor focus my mind onto some things, my thoughts are full of dust.

there are some particles that are too annoying, i didn't notice that i am changing in terms of keeping my self islolated from the things that i used to do. this is too extreme.

i am beginning to jot down and have some connections with new acquaintances but still i am having difficulty in trusting people. i came across with someone i used to connect way back in my teens, 'twas unexpected. now i was caught in the middle...

winding road

2005-03-21T00:47:00.000-08:00

it used to be a rough road but now everything seems smooth...yet i am not that sure enough of what will going to happen for the days, weeks or even motnhs to come, all i know that i am well guarded by my faith. though i missed the things that i do, this new experience is somewhat a big leap for me and i am ready to face any consequence it would bring as long as i won't able to step on anybody else's shoe. i will look back from time to time but not that vey often, as i will have to look forward and explore my limitations. this is the road i have chosen. far from the people i used to be with, here i am all alone with --my decisions, my thoughts, my destiny.

...and counting

2005-03-01T04:58:00.000-08:00

fourteen days more...

i still could not believe whats happening with my life right now, i mean, i used to be in a rush situation but this time its different--seems like everything's falling into the right places which i was caught unguarded. this is the biggest leap so far...

i beat the odds and downs of this so-called life at an early age, but it never occured to me to let myself be reduced to sudden changes. i have prayed with heart and played with life in equity as often as i could, yet there's still some spaces that i have to fill in. yes i am happy for what i have right now--happiness that i always found in different people. well, i guess this is what i ought to be---TO LEAVE A MARK IN SOMEONE ELSES LIFE.

confrontational

2005-02-22T01:47:00.000-08:00

You can come out now. The drama -- no, the melodrama -- of the past few days has ended, and you can get back to business as usual. There may be a few residual traces of emotionality left over between you and a dear one, however. The only way to deal with it is to talk about it, openly and honestly. Get this over with. You both have far more important things to do with your time -- especially your time together.
- By Astrology.com

i guess this is the way to get things done. me, leaving for a new ground to start over in a foreign land. i was just thinking if we still have time to reconnect or somehow bring up the unresolved things of the past. i have done my part. and i could say that i ready to move on, leave it here...its no longer a secret. i will try to fix this thing between us while i am away. then, we'll see if i could deal with her in the future or will try to live a normal life again with someone else. geesh! i have no idea at all what will happen for the next chapter of my life but i am open for any changes as long as there's no complications.

oh well, let time take its course...

dark gothic

2005-02-04T20:41:00.000-08:00

http://sabbath.spb.ru/gallery_gg.shtml

Gone Fishing!

2005-02-04T19:31:00.000-08:00

Someone has been paying some very careful attention to you for a while now -- from afar. They've made a mental list of everything about you, from your favorite movie to your favorite kind of ice cream. Anyone who's put this much energy into getting to know you would obviously make quite an attentive lover. Think of them as a secret admirer. The good news is that they're ready to tell you all about it. Are you ready to hear it?

foresight

2005-02-01T20:56:00.000-08:00

Eating crow is never tasty, and you've never been especially good at it. But you may receive information today that will force you to take a great, big bite. Could be that a higher-up you were sure was plotting something against you from behind the scenes has really been doing just the opposite -- and not just working for you, but trying to be a guardian angel. Don't expose the secret just yet. Wait and see if they come to you first.

GUT FEEL

2005-01-28T08:43:00.000-08:00

Two friends of mine -- both of whom mean a great deal to me -- have recently found it necessary to go out of their way to tick me off. At least, that's the way it seems. It's worked, too, better than it should have. I am not just angry, I am furious. Before I let go and let them have it, though, I might want to be sure I am right. Feeling righteous is far better than feeling guilty.

Nine of Swords

2005-01-24T21:27:00.000-08:00

A difficult relationship that brings sorrow may also give rise to feelings of liberation.The card that lands in the Challenges position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.With the Nine of Swords in this position you may be facing a paradox that illustrates how that which causes grief and sorrow may also produce a great release. Sometimes the catastrophe you fear the worst may actually be the end of an impossible or difficult relationship. If this is one of those times, consider the possibility that binding obligations to a past -- be it a relationship or situation -- may now be ended.If this is so, then you may now be free to choose your own direction, to explore and grow beyond circumstances that previously hemmed you in. The very fact that this may be happening indicates your readiness to make this transition. Somewhere beneath the distress and loss is a reserve of strength that has been building for this kind of opportunity. Point yourself toward healing and liberation. Free from suffering, you can focus on the positive. Collect visions and ideas that will help you rise above feelings of hopelessness. Let go of the past and let your spirit soar!

diffused light

2005-01-24T01:49:00.000-08:00

Finally, I decided to grab my grandmother's offer to work with her this coming March (hopefully). So I need to fix things up in a month, just thinking about this stuff makes me quirky, I mean this is it so soon. Tomorrow I will get my passport, have to send it right away through e-mail so grandma will process my visa. Honestly, I am not prepared for this. Its the biggest turn of my life, new place, new people to work or interact with, new climate, miles away from friends and family all in all a BIG adjustment for me. Though, I am a bit excited for that turn actually, well, definitely not for the money but for the new shift. This is what I am praying for, the ball is in my hands. As the saying goes "its not a mistake to try, its a mistake not to try", I dont want to live a life that is full of regrets just because I didn't get my feet into the waters to know how deep it is. One year, so many things will happen within that period and I have no idea what would it be. All I know and in my heart, I desired to go.

bi-focals

2004-12-30T01:24:00.000-08:00

i wrote this with a heavy heart- like a thousand pound gorilla sitting on my chest. i was about to tell you how exactly i feel but you are a dear friend of mine and i don't want to break it. though we haven't discuss it before we parted, you will always have the special place in my heart. was i ever loved? does it matter?

well,i guess i have to move on, there's still life out there for me. thanks for the wonderful romantic friendship that we had.

Tempted by irrational beings -
whispering discounted thoughts
eating my brains slowly
chewing every single nerve.
I wanted to isolate myself
into the pit of darkness but
I could not get away with your shadow.
This boundless silence within my soul
creates a chaotic river in just a single tear
everytime I hear your voice.
My bitter fantasy,
you are just a pigment of my imagination
that I have made by mistake.
I bid you fare well
I will no longer cower for your presence
I will no longer call your name
I will no longer feel your fleshâ€¦
I will be awakened.

By Astrology.com

2004-12-30T01:05:00.000-08:00

You definitely woke up on the right side of the bed this morning. Just make sure that your self-confidence doesn't devolve into arrogance. If you rely completely on your own devices, you may miss a wonderful opportunity to make a significant connection. The sound of your own voice may be music to your ears, but only by listening to others can you broaden your experience and expand your perceptions beyond your usual boundaries. Be open to the possibilities.

inkblot

2004-12-28T20:32:00.000-08:00

its hard to believe that i am beginning to find a better place in this cubic world. before i tend to bounce back and forth inside this comical sphere...got nothing to lose now, i am bound to dissipitate. i blindly followed my instinct to look for the needle in the haystack but to my despair its more than what i have discovered. i have learned that the agony of pain being pricked a thousand times is nothing compared to piercing sadness.

all is gone, faded like a mist in the winter sun.
i am free to roam and spread my wings across the bed of blue skies.

volcanic nerves

2004-12-12T05:43:00.000-08:00

this is for the person who awakened the black part of my soul...she's so annoying. she's so difficult to deal with and i can not stand with her attitude anymore. it seems like everythings' always a BIG deal, even petty things. she couldn't even take a joke for chrissake! she's starting to get into my nerves and i had enough.

Birthday Poem
Jan Kristy

Yes I'm Bitter

No more of this waffling
between cynicism and
unhappy compromise

I will rock my angry little boat
I intend for you to feel the ripples
I will shatter the
festering calm of our friendship

I'll jump overboard and drown
rather than let you push me below the water
slowly

I won't be fooled again

I know some things now
like how a smile can be more bitter
than an honest glare

and how there can be no defense against
the falseness of a friend

and how some scars
never will go away --

and how haughty anger
is only a disguise
for a heart sick
with sorrow.

memory droplets

2004-12-01T21:40:00.000-08:00

Work is suspended today at 12 noon due to the coming typhoon, still I have to work on some unfinished business that was assigned to me by one of the supervisors. I arrived in the office five minutes to twelve (great timing!). So I grabbed the phone and dialed all the numbers listed on my checklist that I have to follow-up. Done.

On the lighter side, Jessica and I used to go out and loiter inside the mall even if its raining cats and dogs outside. We are invincible!

I missed her a lot. Especially when I'm sipping my morning coffee, the warmth the smell of the newly brewed coffee, sigh. The Saturday morning walks with her dog. The late night bed talks and sleep-overs. The unplanned gimmicks during weeknights (as if there's no work on the following day) movies, virtual car racing, breath-taking air hockey, some of our adventures in the arcade. Hmmm, I wonder if she misses those things like I do.

Better Things by Fallen Angel

2004-11-19T02:19:00.000-08:00

I am told I am destined for Better Things
My kismetSealed with a dry kiss
A drop of blood
And an eyeliner smudge
Whilst I am shattering infinite mirrors
And tramplingangel fetuses.

My locusa circle, in myblind hunt for Better Things
You can't hear my scream through all thiscotton wool
and I can't see for blackness I've saved in the past,
aKnight in Shining Armor
Now I am trapped Armadillo fashion
In this woman shaped cage
They said I looked almost angelic
In my comet tailed
Star studded descent
Idiosyncratic in my lack of indifference
Diving for oystersHolding Better Things

Now sitting in deaf icy stillness
Hand nearly frozen pen-shaped
Mind unable to carry these
Poetic abortions to full term
In order to cleanse itself
For the wait for Better Things

bottled tears

2004-11-13T17:10:00.000-08:00

last night i cried alone in my room, i tried to say something but i was tongue-tied. i look at the mirror there i saw myself, my eyes almost red, full of tears. i wanted to scream my lungs out to tell the whole world that my heart is breaking, then again i couldn't. i sat down on my bed, stopped for a while, talking to myself like a fool--it was a good relief. I turned the radio on put the volume on high so i could not hear my own voice, and there was i sitting on the floor, grabbed my pillow, put my face down and cried and cried and cried till i could cry no more. wiping my tears away from my cheeks, said to myself that tomorrow's another day, a big day to start anew.

i realized maybe i was just too sensitive with a lot of things that i was caught red-handed. like what they say, you must expect the unexpected. its not the first time i cried-a-river, but this is somewhat different...because she doesn't know that i felt something for her for years. i would like to tell her about it but then again for the sake of our friendship...i would just rather keep it and
let it be.

Confessions Of A Broken Heart by John Laset

2004-11-12T01:14:00.000-08:00

Pain... Tension... Fatigue...Depression...
Anger, Aggression, Frustration.
All these unwanted sensations -
Burning, hurting, tearing.
My heart alone, cold and fearing.
Why won't you let me sleep, let me rest,
Let me forgetTo eradicate, eliminate, destroy all my regrets?
These memories inside,
swirling, twirling,unwilling to reside
in the corner of my mind.
Repeating, resisting, insisting -
Refusing to be denied its recognition
Of its position in my
Frustration, Confusion, Delusion.
Ah, to close my eyes and let time fly by,
Because there's so much to gain
By forgetting these dreams driving me insane.
Unfocused, unclear, out of control,
My world spinning, spinning, spinning,
My sanity flying through the door.
My reason, my logic, oh, it's tragic,
Like fine sands running through my hands,
I'm losing my mind.

sometimes i call her...JESSICA.

2004-11-10T03:07:00.000-08:00

Frantic
The presence of your soul haunts me
As you glide through the air
Deeply penetrating into the pores of my skin
Seeking uncontrollably the passage
To my heart, to my mind.
You are a villain, striking unguarded moment
Stabbing the frozen heart with fiery caress
The more I ignore these sensitive moves
The more vulnerable I become.
Interference means death
As I drown quickly at the vast sea of solitude,
Yet the stillness of you is unknown to me.
While I am descending in a chaotic stream.
10.18.02

In deep thoughts
Disquietude devours my essence,
As I dwell into the oblivion of an
Infinite outrage of this so-called life
Of which I am not certain.
Spare me not, for I shall return
To the abyss of my inner self
Than to cling on a rotten thoughts
That once I abhorred.
I would rather subsist to a place
Where I could scream furiously
As it echoes into a depth
â€¦Of boundless silence.
10.22.02

Adieu
I'd rather walk away with grief
than to be with you,
floating in space
holding nothing but memories
of the undying affection
that has been carved from within.
Uncertainty binds me
with your presence which
slowly tearing my soul into pieces,
Shattered feelings strengthened
the seat of passion yet struggling
unconsciously to remain unruffled.
July 2001

sigh...

2004-11-10T02:55:00.000-08:00

I want to wake up next to someone I love that at night I might just awaken enough to just caress or hold. I want someone that when we are together I can tell all my thoughts to, whether good or bad. To laugh and cry, make love or just make out to make a life together that inter-twines and support each other.
I think that these things are impossible without mutual respect, and of course love.
I want to love in the way that makes you ache when you are apart touch just to say
"I want you".

Having some common goals and ideas, to be just happy and laugh, be able to talk about more than just the weather. A great intellect is definitely a good thing. Not Einstein, but a curious and agile mind.
Through all this, devotion.

The ability to work for each other and the relationship for a long time.
Not just for a month or a year, but with the intent to at least try to make it a lifetime.

disoriented

2004-10-14T03:16:00.000-07:00

BER months--two more months and its Christmas time, i am hearing christmas carols/songs/jingles everywhere...what a sobber! tis the season to be jolly, that's what they say, but for me its the other way around. i am missing some important things in my life--left unresolved--for some reason i dont know and i have no idea at all.

undecided

2004-10-04T03:33:00.000-07:00

right now, i am still in the undecided phase of my life, i guess this is the most crucial part of it. just received a call from the agency that i am applying for as events organizer and agreed on the professional fee rate that they will specify in the contract. i really wanted this job, its my turf, not to mention the fees and allowances, well i am talking about the travels (ear-to-ear grin). if i have to choose between my current work and that offer, i would prefer the latter. i have plans of leaving the country soon (early next year) so this is the fastest way of saving money for that plan. its a six-months blanket contract, an irresistable offer, i might say. its not that as stable as my present job but in this offer i could easily earned my one month regular salary (more than) in a week.

i only have a week to decide if i gonna grab it or what. i am not getting any younger. i ve already turned my back on two previous offer, which i had a (slight) feeling of regret. opportunity knocks only once...

Aaarrrgh...brain-splitting moment of silence...

inspired...???

2004-09-30T13:08:00.000-07:00

i wrote this piece last night, its a feeling of sadness, longingness to someone close to my heart...

Drizzle

It has rained all day, all I could think about is you
Every single drop of the rain that touches the ground
Strikes my heart with piercing loneliness, I am longing.

The rain has stopped, birds starting to fly again freely
Flapping their wings high above the trees, here I am
Captured by your absenceâ€¦listless and torn.

Every minute of every hour I stared blankly at your picture
Wishing that for just a single moment I could feel you -
Your warmth, your softness, your caress, your sweetness.

Cool breeze embraces my soul for comfort but how long?
I want to smell your breath once more- but then I realized
Touching you is impossible; reaching you is a desperate move.

I will just wait here, for the rain to pour once again
Iâ€¦ alone on the ground soaking wet and dreaming
Youâ€¦somewhere out there looking for love.

truly

2004-09-30T01:34:00.000-07:00

What Kind of Drunk Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

interesting!!!

2004-09-30T01:21:00.000-07:00

I'm the Most Interesting Person in the World!
Take Just How Interesting Are You? today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Personality Test Generator.

I gotta hand it to you, buddy, you are probably more interesting than I am. Go write your own quiz!

worm

2004-08-18T21:06:00.000-07:00

i woke up this morning with my head on the other side of my bed facing the wall. searching for my mobilephone, got no message this time, which is good. fuck! it's already passed seven in the morning, got to go, got to run. darn! i am late! what's new...

its a routine, i am feeling bored.

Mad Girl's Love Song

2004-08-18T06:51:00.000-07:00

By Sylvia Plath

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

...?

2004-08-18T06:46:00.000-07:00

Which poem are you?

The Mad Girl's Love Song by Sylvia Plath

To you, love is desperate and hateful. You're wildly passionate and wildly inventive. You're also likely to start stalking people.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

mapping out!

2004-08-17T21:21:00.000-07:00

days went on and i am still here, time to change some gears...29 years of existence, duh! i have to plot my life, im not getting any younger. its now or never. what am i thinking, i have nothing to lose. its my future, i must plan it before anything else. there will be no other person or anything that would take charge of my life but me. its a very tough decision i have to make...i have to leave, i should have, i must leave.

if i stay here, it would be the same as before and i dont want to be left behind. there are so many choices all i have to do is decide. nobody knows what future lies. life is like a game, there are certain rules though you dont have to abide them all through out.

i have dreams, i want to feel it, I want to make it real.

i must not make haste. time is ticking so fast, it cannot wait, it slipped through my hands before...it must not happen again.

im gonna be in control.

bored and lonely

2004-06-04T07:44:00.000-07:00

its friday and it just rained the whole afternoon. i am kinda tired of all the days work and its payback time. i wanted to go away, far away from the people and places i ve used to be with, i need to breathe...

this piece of thought is bothering me and still eating my brain, should i or should i not tell her the truth? i don't want to ruin everything, its perfect and its all i ever wanted.