My kaleidoscope

Oftentimes I think I should have been like this if I did the right thing, but how would you know if it is the right thing? When in the first place you don’t know what will happen and all you have in hand are the choices and make the best decision with less consequence. That’s why I have to test the water if it is too cold or hot for me before I plunge in; there is no harm in trying as long as you know your limitations and you can handle the situation without messing up with other people.

First of, I grew up with no emotional ties with my folks, all they could think about was how to feed us, send us to school, etc., yet I don’t have any regrets. With what had happened I learned how to stand up on my own at an early age, depending on myself made me realized a lot of things. Up to now, it is very unusual for me to ask for some favors from other people, as long as I could do it I will not ask for help.

Now I am in the unfamiliar situation, I know I asked for this one but it is quite difficult for me to adjust…I am not used to be taken cared of. I went through a lot of hard times and I have managed to settle all these on my own. Yes, I have few friends who had helped me to pick up the pieces and to start all over again but I cannot depend on them for the rest of my days, they have a life of their own.

On the rebound with my family, I landed on the soil of many countries to fulfill my moral obligations. I thought that it would be very easy for me to leave them, most specially my habits and routines. For a stubborn ass like me, it is like passing through the hole of the needle. My so-called-life in non-linear, as much as possible I want it to be spontaneous, I won’t go by the rules if the rules says it will jeopardize my individuality and freedom to explore other things. Life is too short. I cannot see myself to miss the best things in life and most of them are free.

For me boundaries are extension of another dimension that needs to be seen and discover. Not just to see the sights and travel around in a certain place and time but to search for what’s in store for me in a strange land. To gather sticks of pain in the times of drought, to lay down in sublime happiness under the tree of ecstasy, to drench my consciousness with raindrops of sorrow and to shout furiously while running in the field of chaos.

With all these colors of my hallucinations, I am dying to know the depth of these patterns.