hindi ko na alam kung paano pa makatakas sa sakit na nararamdaman ng puso ko, naiipit ako ngayon sa isang sitwasyon na hindi ko maaring iwasan ng ganun ganun na lang. kailangan ko ng stable na trabaho limang taon pa ko magbubuno para matupad ko ang simpleng pangarap ng mga magulang ko. nakalagpas na ko sa isang gusot at hindi pa nga natatapos mayroon na kaagad kapalit. mas matindi pa ang sakit...

minsan tinatanong ko ang sarili ko kung totoo ba ang mga pinapakita at pinararamdam nya sa akin, alam ko naman na napa-complicated ng situation namin pero sana man lang kahit isang beses marinig ko na sincere siya sa mga sinasabi niya. ang kaso parang hindi naman, siguro isa lang akong pampalipas oras, pang-fill in katulad ngayon na libre siya naalala nya ko. hanggang doon lang ba ko??

ang sakit sakit...sana di na lang kami naging malapit sa isa't isa, gaya nga ng sabi niya "this is stupid". so siguro nga stupid nga yong nangyari na iyon, at stupid rin ako kasi naniniwala pa ko sa iyo...

sana isang araw mapatunayan ko sa iyo mismo na mahal mo ko gaya ng sinasabi mo...

hirap na hirap na ko magtiwala ulit, lalo na ngayong nasasaktan ako sa mga pinapakita mo, siguro mas mabuti pang kalimutan ko ng lahat ng nangyari para na rin di na ko nasasaktan.

madre de puta!

nakakabanas talaga, sabihan k ba naman kahapon na mag-ingat ka sa taong yan alam ko motibo nya kasi lalake rin ako. ah kaya pala, walk the talk! aayaw-ayaw pa nung una gusto rin palang makipag-flirt ke taratitat kung anu-anu pang sinasabi...hoy bilog na ulo ko bibilugin mo pa!

oh well, I am smart...dumb ass.

I have to stop and keep going...

it's been three weeks now...and the pain still lingers.

i really dont know what to do anymore, at this moment in time all i ever wanted to do is to runaway, far far away from you.

i wish there is a pill, stronger than sleeping pill, that can erase all my memories of you...

you don't know how much it hurts, so please stop asking how i feel

I thought I learned my lessons well when it comes to love, but hey here I am again...for the nth time dragging myself into oblivion. How many times do I have to feel this to tell myself ...its enough! Why do I have to keep on repeating the same thing over and over again? What is wrong with my feelings, seems like I never get tired of giving in. Now look at me, my eyes are puffy, I cried because I let myself delve into this situation.

I just hope that the next time I will be ready to accept the things that I can not and will not have in the first place...

reel life

...my abscense from the scene has created a domino effect.

just give it a thought...

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday.
Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.
And, there on television, she said it was "exciting." Regarding body
changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts.
They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.
The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest
woman, with so much wisdom in her words!
Maya Angelou said this:

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life
does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."

"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled
Christmas tree lights."

"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents,
you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."

"I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a
life'.

"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."

"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on
both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."

"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I
usually make the right decision."

"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."

"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."

"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget
what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

My kaleidoscope

Oftentimes I think I should have been like this if I did the right thing, but how would you know if it is the right thing? When in the first place you don’t know what will happen and all you have in hand are the choices and make the best decision with less consequence. That’s why I have to test the water if it is too cold or hot for me before I plunge in; there is no harm in trying as long as you know your limitations and you can handle the situation without messing up with other people.

First of, I grew up with no emotional ties with my folks, all they could think about was how to feed us, send us to school, etc., yet I don’t have any regrets. With what had happened I learned how to stand up on my own at an early age, depending on myself made me realized a lot of things. Up to now, it is very unusual for me to ask for some favors from other people, as long as I could do it I will not ask for help.

Now I am in the unfamiliar situation, I know I asked for this one but it is quite difficult for me to adjust…I am not used to be taken cared of. I went through a lot of hard times and I have managed to settle all these on my own. Yes, I have few friends who had helped me to pick up the pieces and to start all over again but I cannot depend on them for the rest of my days, they have a life of their own.

On the rebound with my family, I landed on the soil of many countries to fulfill my moral obligations. I thought that it would be very easy for me to leave them, most specially my habits and routines. For a stubborn ass like me, it is like passing through the hole of the needle. My so-called-life in non-linear, as much as possible I want it to be spontaneous, I won’t go by the rules if the rules says it will jeopardize my individuality and freedom to explore other things. Life is too short. I cannot see myself to miss the best things in life and most of them are free.

For me boundaries are extension of another dimension that needs to be seen and discover. Not just to see the sights and travel around in a certain place and time but to search for what’s in store for me in a strange land. To gather sticks of pain in the times of drought, to lay down in sublime happiness under the tree of ecstasy, to drench my consciousness with raindrops of sorrow and to shout furiously while running in the field of chaos.

With all these colors of my hallucinations, I am dying to know the depth of these patterns.

cuff links

whenever i put this long sleeves blouse i always remember how you fold the sleeves and compliment how beautiful it is and how it suits me. the same way i have pictured you in my mind when you are sleeping and i could not waste any single moment watching you. its not raining here not like there, but it reminds me of you particularly when we had these stolen moments. you may not know it but i loved you very well despite of all the odds. with you i experienced to go beyond my limits, i discovered more of myself--being me without inhibitions, being carefree and bold. remember when i sneak out of our house in the wee hours of the morning just to be with you? you have let me see your private world without me asking and i said that that's the boldest thing to do for a stranger like me. and now i realized the things i missed about you...thanks for the awakening.

as stated...

About the Poem
I have learned that sometimes you fall in love with people, who don't feel the same way about you. I have been in such a situation.

This poem was written for someone who I gave my trust, love and friendship to, only to have my heart broken, and my trust displaced. If you are ever in a similar situation, you know how it feels to be used.

I Was Reminded
by Alicia S

As we lay there quiet
I was reminded of all the reasons why I lust you
Your smile,
and the way it teased at me seductively
Your laugh,
and the way it tempted me
Your eyes,
and the way they seem to hypnotize me

As we sat there silent
I was reminded of all the reasons why I love you
Your smile,
and the way it brings such life into me
Your laugh,
and the way it makes everything okay
Your eyes,
and the way them seems to read my thoughts

As we stand here now
I am reminded of all the reasons why I hate you
Your smile,
and the way it confuses me
Your laugh,
and the way it seems to mock me
Your eyes,
and the way they can look into mine and not feel a thing

cloudy skies

for the past several days i have been thinking about going back home, then again maybe i am experiencing "homesickness". this is what i hate most, a sickness that has no cure, in a matter of minutes you will feel like you are alone in the crowd searching for someone or somebody that you know for a long time and you are dying to talk to or touch that person. a feeling of longingness. whenever i met someone here they only say one thing, "your eyes are full of sadness". . .

because, i miss myself more than anything in this world.