...missing

...conversation over a cup of coffee or tea with some friends after work
...strolling inside the mall
...dining in some resto with close friends
...taking LRT on the way home
...drinking alcholohic bevies at home with some friends or sometimes a friend
...reading book till 2 in the morning
...writing poems in the middle of the day
...walking in the academic oval in the morning
...riding in the jeepneys
...traffic jams and smoke belching automobiles
...joking with people i used to mingle with for years
...the comfort of my woodbed
...my pillow -- sole witness of my sentiments
...big antique dresser from my grandma where i used to hide myself just for fun
...bloodsuckers under the matress (darn it!)
...cats roaming around our house
...bamboo and metal chimes


...my old self.

rubik

It has been thirty days it seems though my old self is panting for old routines. No close friends to chat with, not even a single member of my immediate family to run to, no stressful work, no hanky panky, not a single moment of flirtatious kinks, no alcoholic drinks for chrissake! Ahhh (deep long sigh) this is the life I chose, the road that I decided to take...a lonewolf.

Enough of these blues…that’s what you think!

There some things that I would really want to assess at this point in my life, it’s all about feelings—what’s true and what’s not. And the biggest question of all is – how to trust again? I have had so many pains, even cheated myself all along in the process. Why can’t I tell a person what and how I feel? Admittedly, I have fears of connecting with a prospective partner; the thought of it shuts me off. Pain, was the main reason I guess. Now I don’t know how to react with someone who’s giving me so much attention. Why do I always end up with the person or at the wrong time? Or maybe, someone had already slipped away and I didn’t even notice. AND, what if someone comes along, would I accept or reject?

Weeks ago, I bumped with an “old friend” from way back (15 years ago) we had “something” before and it was almost perfect. Let me tag this person “Someone”.
Someone and I never had a closure, we just parted without talking, we used to communicate through letters there’s no other means of communication at that time, my dear, not even phones. Years had passed we haven’t heard from each other again until 1998, we saw each other again inside the mall, we didn’t talk, I was with my spouse that day so I backed off. From then on I forgot all about Someone, I went on with my life—mostly miserable.

Just like the saying goes, after the rain there’s sunshine, so it was. There’s an opportunity that I can’t resist so I grabbed it. I said to myself that this is a new chapter of my life and I will be very careful this time. It never crossed my mind (till now) that I will see Someone again, we were both surprised. We had a chance to talk about what had happened before, there were feeling of regrets—the “should-have-been” blurted out, but everything’s too late. Someone is complicated. But at least I get what I really wanted—a closure. We promised each other to stay friends and to keep in touch. That's all what matters to me.

It doesn’t end that way. Someone still feels the same thing for me just like before…I said nothing. I was shocked. I couldn’t even move a single nerve. Someone told me those words bluntly, the most beautiful words that I long to hear. I know Someone is telling the truth and I can feel it. I couldn’t speak. I just listened. We have the same question in mind—of all this time, why did we meet again? Has fate do something about this? Destiny? None of us could answer.

Puzzled? Yes, I am.

sandstorm

i have nothing to write as of the moment...i couldn't even think nor focus my mind onto some things, my thoughts are full of dust.

there are some particles that are too annoying, i didn't notice that i am changing in terms of keeping my self islolated from the things that i used to do. this is too extreme.

i am beginning to jot down and have some connections with new acquaintances but still i am having difficulty in trusting people. i came across with someone i used to connect way back in my teens, 'twas unexpected. now i was caught in the middle...